Thursday, May 5, 2011


I’ve been thinking about what to write today for the passed year. I need you to read this, but I am in no means asking for sympathy. I am writing to share a moment no one could ever imagine they would eternally have to be a part of. I’m just going to say whatever comes naturally. Embrace yourself, I can’t.

Wednesday morning, May 5 2010 (this time last year), my sister Nancy and I decided to do some cheeky shopping before class as I had been on house arrest with Shingles and Pneumonia for the previous month. We exchanged laughter and in depth conversation over coffee and enjoyed the sunlight beaming through the ceiling windows while raiding Witchery. We found ourselves in an isle at K Mart not long after, picking shoes for Nancy’s work just before we decided to head off to uni. My father then called us… he continually asked us if we were in a good place. Nancy didn’t want to tell him we were shopping so she answered yes convincingly.  I continued to look at shoes for Nancy while she spoke to him then suddenly the tone in her voice changed as she yelled in such apprehension and panic, “WHAT!?...WHAT!?”. I dropped the shoes in an irrepressible state of panic, stared at Nancy and tried to read her thoughts through her widened eyes. A thousand plausible answers as to why she was reacting like that ran through my head. “Someone’s dead. Someone. Is it mum, is it my brother, sister, aunty, uncle, cousin!?” My mind was travelling faster then the speed of light, my heart felt like it stopped yet I could feel it coming out of my mouth. She yelled again, this time the depth of her voice pierced my heart, such shock, such pain as she said, “MARYLEE’S DEAD!” Marylee, my cousin’s fiancé, his life, the ultimate source of his happiness, his heart, his soul, his soon to be wife- DEAD.

All I could remember was screaming in the middle of the shoe isle, Nancy fell to the floor howling and all I could do was scream then cry, then scream again. Closing my eyes and tracking back to that moment, it feels like everything was moving in slow motion.  Several strangers surrounded us, trying to help us and pick us up, but we couldn’t stop. When you’re told someone so close to your heart, your family’s heart, your cousins heart, has been swept away from this earth, I’m not even sure there’s any other way to react. It’s like a dark force grabs your heart and rips it out onto the floor, steps on it, throws it against a wall of sharp nails, grazes it against the carpet and then puts it back into your chest and vanishes, leaving you to process what just happened.

She went to bed the night before, the happiest she’d ever been, glowing with radiance and smiles as her mother prepared a feast for her intimate family and Ramzi spontaneously. Wednesday morning her 14 year old sister Nicole went to wake her up to commence their morning ritual of getting ready together for school and work, only to find her frozen, pale, cold and blue, holding her pillow tight with her eyes rolled back and mouth wide open. How? How could have this happened? Marylee was healthy, happy and in love. The autopsy showed no signs of failure or struggle in her body. No reason for her to die, she just did. It’s just so fucked up. I don’t think any of us could understand why, ever.

I try and convince myself that her life reached ultimate perfection that the universe felt she had nothing more to live for. But who could be so cruel to remove her from this earth because she was happy!?

Her departure was planned so perfectly, while no one knew it was coming the sequence of events allowed us to say goodbye. Sunday May 2nd my cousin had a birthday dinner. It was such a rare occasion to have all the family under one roof, eating, drinking and enjoying each others company. Nancy said to me that night, “Marylee’s glowing” I too could feel it. I remember sitting with her that night as she had a rant about it being too hot to wear her brown leather jacket but too cold to not wear it. Nancy for some strange reason decided to bring our DSLR camera, and she snapped away, capturing the moment of all of us together so beautifully. That night I went back to Ramzis families’ house as I had been staying there for the past few months. My last memories of Marylee were watching her wiggle around, cheekily on the couch, smiling and looking at me with innocence while an angry mother and son argued in the background. It was late, I was on the computer doing some study, Marylee popped her head through the door and said Bye as she was leaving to go back home. For some reason I felt like I should have walked out and hugged her like I normally do, but I had been seeing her so much because she was always at Ramz’ that I thought one night wouldn’t matter. I was wrong. :- (

On Monday May 3rd I had posted a status on Facebook saying “I have never laughed so hard as much as I did today”. It was my first day back at university, a normal day had, but I just felt an outburst of happiness to be around my friends again. The universe gave me one day to feel an overwhelming power of positive emotion, before the loss of our angel. 

On Tuesday May 4th the last supper with her family. Her mother and Ramzi say she was overly excited, so happy to have the people she loved so much around her that night. What if she knew she was going to die? What if the glowing light we all saw around her was a light from out of this world calling her?

There is so much more I want to say, but it’s nearly midnight and I want to get this up before this night is over. I will continue hopefully tomorrow with the Funeral, the aftermath, my relationship with her, her relationship with Ramzi and how this death has changed my perception on this world… till then, here is some of the hundreds of photos captured with moo moo over the years. Love you so much bella x


  1. i haven't been able to cry all day from numbness, thank you for helping me let it all out xxx

  2. Know that this has been read and appreciated. Thankyou.

  3. It still so difficult to read about it and so unbelievable. It's sort of comforting that she was so happy in those days before. She was truly beautiful, and I hope she's ok now.

  4. Your an amazing writer babe. I miss her and still can't believe this unexplained nightmare. I love you hun xxx

  5. Don't stress yourself babe, I don't think anyone could ever say everything there is to say about Marylee in just one entry or one day. I'm sure you could fill hundreds of the. This is beautiful. Love you x

  6. i can only say one thing good things never last long in this world!may she rest in peace

  7. i meet Marylee back in 2003 through Amo Joe Said, i went looking for the photos that i knew we took when i was there although i only meet her that one trip and chatted to her on FB she was am amazing young lady and it hurt so much when my Dad who has now also passed away rang me and told me that it was her that passed away. i was lost for words i rang Amo and asked is it true. In between his cries you could hear the word yes come out.... to this day it just doesnt seem really. May God give all her family and friends the strength to get through this trying time RIP beautiful Marylee, and your entry is beautiful, i have been waiting to understand it all and you have helped me do that.xoxo Love Margaret (Bitar) Issa

  8. this is the stuff nightmares are made of, except you're awake, & it's real. & the questions remain unanswered, & the reasons remain, unknown. sorry isn't enough.

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